the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Vodka?
Forever.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I know her cup size but not her name....
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
