well I can't set my house on fire every night
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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