So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
