I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
