i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
you didnt know i had herpes?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
