just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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