Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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