I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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