If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
