Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
