I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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