i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
