I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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