I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
