my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
