I'd wear matching sweaters with you
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
