I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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