she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
