Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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