Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
These tits shall not be calmed
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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