So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
