she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Houston, we have a blender
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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