Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We left the knife in your bed.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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