My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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