Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
