she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
