apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
