I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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