Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
