He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
