How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
