gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
