I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
