I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
