I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
