remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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