If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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