My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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