I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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