It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
