Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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