Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
