this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
