Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The beer is more important than you right now.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
