I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
