Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
