Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
