Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
