i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
