I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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